As always, this bit of poetic vomit (for lack of a better word) was hastily spewed out of my fingertips last week when I was feeling rather low. I debated, with myself obviously, about whether to post it. The subject is very personal, as these sort of moments tend to be. My fear is that those few who follow this blog, those of you whom I know care deeply for me, will be offended by the words in this piece. Please understand that these words represent feelings I was having at a moment in time. Yes this is an ongoing struggle I have. But it is not how I feel all the time. Emotions are fleeting, be it blessing or curse. My hope is that some will read this and understand on some level. Or maybe you will understand me better. Perhaps some of my readers will be able to answer some of the questions asked. At any rate, my hopes triumphed my fears. Don’t judge me too harshly.
What does this all mean?
Who am i?
I’ve tried so hard.
And for what?
To get noticed.
To make a difference.
To make a living.
To make a life.
Get a life.
Just to be worn out and hurt.
No one notices.
I’ll write this,
A public proclamation to deaf ears
Seen by blind eyes.
With all effort I run the race.
To see the new as I breeze pass for the millionth time.
Bleed the wonder from the mundane.
Drain contentment from the dreadful.
All this is meaningless when others look right through me.
Just watching the dollhouse.
Others filling their roles,
She fits in this room.
Observing the potential of everyone else,
He was crafted for that.
I am always outside looking in.
Never quite right anywhere.
Left out on the fringe.
All the spinning is inside.
In my head.
In my heart.
In my soul.
Is there a way to get it out?
Get it to people who feel the same way.
Are there people who feel this way?
Is there anyone else out there who feels this way?
Is there anyone else out there who feels?
Anyone else out there?
Is anyone there?
Trying is getting me no where.
Like a rat running on a wheel.
If I stop running I will still be in the same place.
Just maybe not as tired?
Either way I am left not quite right:
Dissatisfied, unfulfilled, disappointed, and empty.
I don’t think I can fix this.