The most difficult part of…

Well maybe I should start at the beginning, just lay it out there: I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. This is a largely misunderstood illness, and I admit I didn’t even understand it until I was recently diagnosed. Many people think of OCD’s celebrity spokesperson Howie Mandel. I’m not quite like him. I don’t mind getting dirty and I love hugging people. Well…maybe not at the same time. I have some behavioral issues like repeating certain actions and even some obsessive counting. What gets me into the most trouble are obsessive thoughts. Once I get stuck on a particular idea or train of thought, it’s extremely difficult to get off. Not only does this make my internal thought life very distracting and confusing, it often leads to a downward spinning track toward depression. Because of this I have become chemically dependent. The medication I take is an anti-depressant that, in my case, seems to stop the Obsessive Thought Train conductor from flipping the dangerous switch on the track.

Another important fact: I was raised in a conservative Christian community. Depression, or mental illness in general, is not discussed here. In my experience, it is largely misunderstood by the general Christian population. There an unspoken agreement if someone is depressed, he is not right with God, there must be some unconfessed sin, or he needs to pray for healing with no doubt God will heal him. In a sense, those with mental illness have something wrong with them spiritually. Overall, the topic is avoided. Those who attempt to confess their struggle are avoided, not out of lack of concern, but simply because this community has not been taught how to approach the subject. Our pain makes our brothers and sisters uncomfortable. Unfortunately, this causes more wounds and confusion about our painful state. So depression is difficult to reconcile with a conservative Christian upbringing.

I have all this stuff bouncing around in my head. I have the knowledge that medication relieves my emotional pain by stopping these thoughts from taking over. I am able to function better when I am on it. I also have internalized a worldview that tells me to rely on medication to function implies there must be something wrong with me spiritually. I must not have enough faith or God would heal me. All this leaves me wondering why I must rely on chemicals manufactured by other broken humans to relieve the pain. Why isn’t trusting in God alone enough, like everyone says it should be? Do I just not have enough faith? How can I measure my faith? If only faith were available by prescription at a pharmacy as well!

Unless…

God created human intelligence and put it into specific people. What if He then put those people together at the right time and place to develop anti-depressants and drugs to relieve OCD in people like me. What if using these drugs is a blessing, it’s not trusting in something less than my Savior for healing. What if this is an illness like any other. If I knew someone was in debilitating physical pain, I would strongly urge them to find medications to take it away. I am just doing everything in my power to be well. When I’m on meds, I think clear enough to get out of my head and see God around me and in others. Meds bring relief. Miraculous healing would be nice. But maybe then opportunities for learning and glorifying God would be lost. In that case, I will press on…