What am I laying on then? Oh, yes. I’ve just noticed I’m laying down. Strange. Complete darkness is so very disorienting. The floor is smooth like granite except, wait a minute. What are these? When I move my hands metallic clinks echo throughout the chamber. The cold, oval structures appear to be interlinked. Chills cause the hairs on the back of my neck to stand on end as I recognize the shape: a chain large enough to anchor a ship to the bottom of the sea. With the same hand, I follow the links, the size of my palm, toward me to find their origin. The chills shoot through my body as I find the chain is not attached to my wrist by any kind of strap. It is growing from or was implanted there! With a gentle tug, pain shoots up my arm. An involuntary cry, the mixture of physical pain and rising panic, escapes my throat. Quick inspection reveals the other wrist in the same condition.

Momentarily incapacitated by fear, I evaluate my situation. Giving in to the panic will get me no where. Breathe. Just breathe. Get a hold of yourself. Chains have two ends. So, let’s see where the other end is. Yes, by now I have resorted to referring to myself in third person plural. You find chains coming out of your wrists and see how long you hold it together! With plans to investigate by way of crawling, I flip over on my stomache. Gripped by horror again, I gasp as pain shoots from my feet up my legs. I suck in air thru clenched teeth, willing the pain to subside. I try to control my trembling hand as I slowly, carefully, reach down to inspect. Though motion shoots fire through my body, I must confirm what I fear to find. Identical chains protrude from both ankles. With as little pain as I can manage, I scoot up, put my face on my knees, and succumb to all manor of deep despairing emotions. Time means little in complete darkness. I vacillate between why I am here and how I came to be at such a miserable place and condition. When I cannot reason the answers, I wallow in despair until it circles back to the questions of why and how.

A gentle touch on the crown of my head startles me out of my black revelry. So focused on my thoughts, I had not heard anyone approach. I look up, expecting to see only blackness. Instead, I find myself squinting at a man. My eyes had grown so accustomed to the dark, it hurts to look where any light exists. He is not holding a light, but he seems to be lit by daylight. It is strange. The light is radiating from within him. He is not gleaming or glowing. It’s like soft warmth in his being that needs no light. Instantly I notice his eyes. They are old with wisdom, filled with more knowledge and understanding than one human being should possess. His face holds an expression of peace that frankly, makes me want to slap him. As I consider if I should think this, he chuckles, shakes his head, and begins to sit along the wall. I gasp, afraid he will fall. He looks up with concern as he rests comfortably on a ledge I apparently did not see before he began to sit. Maybe it was a trick of the shadows.

“Hi.” I smile sadly as my eyes meet his again. This is not how I would have expected to greet the King of the Universe.

“Hi.” The warmth of his voice washes over me. I close my eyes and listen to it echo.

Glancing around I see my burdens are four round weights, roughly two feet in diameter, at the end of a five-foot chain. Etched in each weight is the name of an affliction I carry.

I look back at him with concern. He returns my concern with sadness. Unable to stand the distance any longer, I stand and gather up the chains to protect myself from pain as much as possible. With my head down I lean into the weight, bear the pain and pull with all the strength I can muster. The cavern is filled with the screech of metal on the floor. White hot pain courses thru every cell as sweat beads across my forehead.

“Please don’t,” he urges through gritted teeth.

Desperation in his voice causes me to look up, but I don’t stop. With each step, pain surges up each arm, each leg. Muscles spasm. With each stab of pain, I can see his face twitch, the muscles in his back, arms and legs convulse. It’s like looking in a mirror that transforms your reflection into the most precious person you can imagine. It is worse than any pain I can feel.

“Please stop.” He whispers again.

With relief for both of us, I drop my chains. There is still so much distance to cover. Still so little has been accomplished. Frustration sets in. “How do get there? What am I supposed to do? I can’t go anywhere when I’m weighed down like this. And it hurts. It hurts so much.” Tears fall, only now do I realize they have been falling thru the entire struggle. I turn my wrists over to show him where the chains enter my skin. They are now bleeding and bruised.

“I know,” he says and turns his wrists over, “the scars never really go away.”

I laugh through tears and cock my head to the side, “That’s not the same.”

“No?” He looks up from his wrists with just his eyes and wrinkles his brow. “Child, I did this for you.” Indicating toward the weight I claim as mine with a slight head tilt, he continued, “Those burdens I will take, when you are ready to give them up.”

“But I have asked you so many times to take them away. They are still here.” Tears run freely down my cheeks. This is a touchy subject, and we both know it. I turn away and begin running my fingers over the etchings in the weights.

“Sometimes giving me your burdens doesn’t mean they disappear. I will make ALL things new. Your scars, like mine, may have been made by horrific circumstances. But I can transform them into something beautiful. Let me have it. Let me do it.” These words are said with the gentleness of love, the authority of a command, and the want of a beg.

Tears still streaming down my face, “I do. I will. But I can’t promise I won’t steal them back.”

He stands. At the sound of his movement I jump, but I have no desire to run. After all, where would I go? He puts his hands on my shoulders and turns me to face him. With a rough hand on either cheek, he wipes away my tears. Forcing me to look into those wise old eyes he tells me, “I know. So until you are ready to give them up again, I’ll be here with you. Waiting. When you are ready, I will take it all over again.” He smiles. It brightens the whole room.

He kisses me on the forehead. I whisper, “Take it,” and I start giggling. His laughter is deep and full, filling the room with joy. With each breath the darkness surrounding us grows lighter. The sharp burning pain in my wrists and ankles has replaced the dull, bearable ache of healing. The weights have turned into balloons, each a different color. The chains are now strings. They are still attached to me, but the pain is substantially less. On each balloon is still written an affliction, but there is also hope, possibility, change, and potential written there.

Well maybe I should start at the beginning, just lay it out there: I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. This is a largely misunderstood illness, and I admit I didn’t even understand it until I was recently diagnosed. Many people think of OCD’s celebrity spokesperson Howie Mandel. I’m not quite like him. I don’t mind getting dirty and I love hugging people. Well…maybe not at the same time. I have some behavioral issues like repeating certain actions and even some obsessive counting. What gets me into the most trouble are obsessive thoughts. Once I get stuck on a particular idea or train of thought, it’s extremely difficult to get off. Not only does this make my internal thought life very distracting and confusing, it often leads to a downward spinning track toward depression. Because of this I have become chemically dependent. The medication I take is an anti-depressant that, in my case, seems to stop the Obsessive Thought Train conductor from flipping the dangerous switch on the track.

Another important fact: I was raised in a conservative Christian community. Depression, or mental illness in general, is not discussed here. In my experience, it is largely misunderstood by the general Christian population. There an unspoken agreement if someone is depressed, he is not right with God, there must be some unconfessed sin, or he needs to pray for healing with no doubt God will heal him. In a sense, those with mental illness have something wrong with them spiritually. Overall, the topic is avoided. Those who attempt to confess their struggle are avoided, not out of lack of concern, but simply because this community has not been taught how to approach the subject. Our pain makes our brothers and sisters uncomfortable. Unfortunately, this causes more wounds and confusion about our painful state. So depression is difficult to reconcile with a conservative Christian upbringing.

I have all this stuff bouncing around in my head. I have the knowledge that medication relieves my emotional pain by stopping these thoughts from taking over. I am able to function better when I am on it. I also have internalized a worldview that tells me to rely on medication to function implies there must be something wrong with me spiritually. I must not have enough faith or God would heal me. All this leaves me wondering why I must rely on chemicals manufactured by other broken humans to relieve the pain. Why isn’t trusting in God alone enough, like everyone says it should be? Do I just not have enough faith? How can I measure my faith? If only faith were available by prescription at a pharmacy as well!

Unless…

God created human intelligence and put it into specific people. What if He then put those people together at the right time and place to develop anti-depressants and drugs to relieve OCD in people like me. What if using these drugs is a blessing, it’s not trusting in something less than my Savior for healing. What if this is an illness like any other. If I knew someone was in debilitating physical pain, I would strongly urge them to find medications to take it away. I am just doing everything in my power to be well. When I’m on meds, I think clear enough to get out of my head and see God around me and in others. Meds bring relief. Miraculous healing would be nice. But maybe then opportunities for learning and glorifying God would be lost. In that case, I will press on…

What might be holding you back?

I don’t expect a cure from this constant pain.
But I wish for momentary glimpses of relief.

I don’t expect you to be with me all the time.
But I wish you didn’t feel so distant.

I don’t expect you to know all the answers.
But I wish you would be still and listen when I speak.

I don’t expect you to understand.
But I wish I had no doubt you cared.

Through the loneliness, the pain, the isolation,
A calm voice whispers to the depths of my soul.

I know what loneliness is.
I AM your closest confidant.

I know every kind of pain.
I AM your relief.

I know sometimes I may seem distant.
I AM with you always.

I know questions seem to fall unheard.
I AM the answer when you are still to listen.

I know what it is to be misunderstood.
I AM wisdom and love.

I’m afraid Just Me will fade in to the background. Just Me is not important and insignificant. No one will notice Just Me. If I don’t do something or offer something, eventually I’ll disappear from everyone’s memories. I’ll be stuck watching everyone achieve their purpose, be successful, make a difference, while I float through life aimless, invisible. Like I’ve died but I’m still living. I’m afraid of becoming a ghost.

Where is God in all this mess? Truth is I don’t know. I trust He’s there…somewhere. I pray. Sometimes I hear something. Most of the time I can’t tell if it’s my own crazy ideas or God’s fear-inducing nudges to step out on faith. Irony is I do nothing and fade into the background. On the rare occasion I do act on what is unmistakably God’s inaudible voice, great things happen and I am blessed beyond more than I can imagine. Then I take it one human step too far and mess things up, make the wrong decision, think that I can do it better than God, or just plain forget to ask God’s advice before moving. The truth is, I don’t want people to see me anyway. I truly want people to see Christ, or Christ in me. So I guess I’m just frustrated with myself and tired of the constant fight.

Being a follower of Christ is hard. Being an introvert is lonely. Being sensitive is painful. Being a deep-thinker I write a blog to get it all out. Maybe all this difficult, lonely, painful, deep thought will make a difference for someone. I can only hope.

With love,

Megan

But there is hope. “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.” (1 John 4:18) There is hope in remembering God loves me. Yes, I will screw up but God never wants me to stop there. Imagine a perfect father turning his back on his child the first time they make a mistake. No, he turns the mistake into a lesson, hoping the child realizes their wrong and makes the necessary changes. These changes are necessary to build character, to improve both the child and the community.

Though it’s never to late to turn, to repent, to give your heart, there is one warning. Be certain you are ready to give it all. I don’t say this to be legalistic or demanding, but because this is the only way to experience God. If you only give a part of your heart, man, you’re missing out! When fear and guilt creeps in remember the angel’s first words to the shepherds on Christmas night: “Do not be afraid. I bring you good news that will cause great joy for all the people.” Luke 2:10b This good news is the gift of God’s grace. Yes, we can expect God’s discipline when we mess up. But we do not have to fear God’s wrath. Jesus took that for us. It is beyond my comprehension, but He allows us to receive the rewards. So make that leap! Go heart first, ALL IN!

One of the issues that came to my attention a while back is how believers claim the identity of God’s adopted children but then ask to be used by God. It struck me how strange it would be for a child to approach their father and ask, “Hey Dad, could you use my services today?” My dad would probably give his odd daughter a strange look and a hug, laugh, then ask me to stay for dinner. But isn’t that exactly what we do? We seek and ask for our grand purpose in life, desperately searching for that specific mystical “thing” God put us on the earth to do. All the while we are blind or ignorant to the ways we can show God’s love to others with the gifts and talents God has already given us! We claim one belief, but through our language, proclaim that selflessness means abandoning our own identities, needs and desires for those of the divine Taskmaster. In effect, we make ourselves God’s slaves. Sound about right? But I ask: Is that who Jesus was?

It all started at Creation. God created Adam, the first human, but he kinda messed things up. So God sent someone else to show us how we should have been, and to fix the mess Adam started. It struck me that God chose to send Jesus in the role of a son, a child, a dearly loved and cared for Prince. Yes, this means he had responsibilities and specific jobs to fulfill. Praise God he fulfilled his purpose! But he did that as a son who was humble and obedient to his loving father. He was not a slave with no identity taking orders from a ruthless divine task master. We also are to be little Christs, to imitate Jesus. Our relationship to God should be Father to son & daughter, not Master to slave.

There are many harmful results of this attitude. In the local church body, if those whose professions, passions and interests don’t line up with the needs for which the church is asking, they may feel they have nothing to offer. This attitude also leaves out the love of God and how much he cares about every human being, turning God’s children into robots. The purpose of the Christian is not to be some cosmic puzzle solver, discovering illusive clues sprinkled throughout our journey through life. Our purpose is not hidden somewhere in the recesses of our lives while God sits in heaven barking out orders for us to follow. No, God the Father gave us a model to follow. It needs to become deeply rooted into our identity enough to permeate our language.

Sometimes it helps to bring it down to an earthly analogy. When my dad needs help with something, I don’t go knock on their door and say, “Father, I am here. Use me how you will.” He would laugh in my face! No, I walk in the house, without knocking, and announce that I’m there. Then I ask, “How can I help? What do you need me to do?” If it is a project that we do together, our relationship is strengthened because we have accomplished something and have spent quality time together. If it is a task I do alone, I am satisfied that I have helped relieve a burden for him, or allow him to focus his attention elsewhere in the meantime. It’s not a perfect analogy, but our relationship with God, then, also deepens the more willing we are to work with Him as obedient, loving children. Many times, the result of this type of relationship is also deeper relationships with both believers and with people who may then see Jesus through that relationship.

This is my prayer for all who read this. Think about it. Let it change how you relate to God the Father, Jesus the Son, and the mysterious Holy Spirit.

With much love,

Megan
Philippians 4:4-8

This truth just played out in my own experiences. Friendships and fun are good things that lift the human heart. When friendships usurp the God of all things from his throne, expect discipline. In my recent experiences, mental anguish should have been a twinge of warning that my heart needed to change. I needed an attitude check. However, as is usually the case with emotional pain, my instinctual reaction was to retreat inward, causing focus on Jesus to blur and blinding me to the needs of others.

Say what you will about the Church, and the problems with organized religion, God still moves there. He certainly did today. I also firmly believe that God enjoys irony. His Spirit moved through a set list that I put together to convict me of my failures and draw my heart back to His. It makes me laugh. I was so worried about these songs being appropriate for the sermon that Sunday, and going together well, and choosing the right Scriptures. Ha! Little did I know that God was going to use each and every song and Scripture to convict me! (Please don’t take this as me bragging about my ability. Far from it. No, I am in awe and amazed every time the God of the universe takes the time to work in my life. His love for me blows me away. Any goodness found in me is a reflection of Goodness Himself.)

Here are some of the words and verses that convicted me today in the order they were presented to me in our service. I pray that it may also help you on this journey through life.

From Unchanging by Chris Tomlin

Great is Your faithfulness
You never change You never fail O God
True are your promises
You never change You never fail O God
Wide is your love and grace
You never change You never fail O God.

Psalm 23: 1-3

The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
he refreshes my soul.
He guides me along the right paths
for his name’s sake.

From Forever by Chris Tomlin

Give thanks to the Lord
Our God and King
His love endures forever
For He is good He is above all things
His love endures forever
Sing praise sing praise

From the rising to the setting sun
His love endures forever
And by the grace of God
We will carry on
His love endures forever
Sing praise sing praise

Forever God is faithful
Forever God is strong
Forever God is with us
Forever forever

All of You is more than enough for all of me
For ev’ry thirst and ev’ry need
You satisfy me with Your love
And all I have in You is more than enough

Deuteronomy 30: 16-20
¹⁶ For I command you today to love the Lord your God, to walk in obedience to him, and to keep his commands, decrees and laws; then you will live and increase, and the Lord your God will bless you in the land you are entering to possess. ¹⁷ But if your heart turns away and you are not obedient, and if you are drawn away to bow down to other gods and worship them, ¹⁸ I declare to you this day that you will certainly be destroyed. You will not live long in the land you are crossing the Jordan to enter and possess. ¹⁹ This day I call the heavens and the earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live ²⁰ and that you may love the Lord your God, listen to his voice, and hold fast to him. For the Lord is your life, and he will give you many years in the land he swore to give to your fathers, Abraham, Isaac and Jacob.

Deuteronomy 8: 2-9

² Remember how the Lord your God led you all the way in the wilderness these forty years, to humble and test you in order to know what was in your heart, whether or not you would keep his commands. ³ He humbled you, causing you to hunger and then feeding you with manna, which neither you nor your ancestors had known, to teach you that man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord. ⁴ Your clothes did not wear out and your feet did not swell during these forty years. ⁵ Know then in your heart that as a man disciplines his son, so the Lord your God disciplines you. ⁶ Observe the commands of the Lord your God, walking in obedience to him and revering him. ⁷ For the Lord your God is bringing you into a good land—a land with brooks, streams, and deep springs gushing out into the valleys and hills; ⁸ a land with wheat and barley, vines and fig trees, pomegranates, olive oil and honey; ⁹ a land where bread will not be scarce and you will lack nothing; a land where the rocks are iron and you can dig copper out of the hills.

Blessed be Your name
In the land that is plentiful
Where Your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name

Blessed be Your name
When I’m found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I’ll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in
Lord still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be Your name
When the sun’s shining down on me
When the world’s all as it should be
Blessed be Your name

Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there’s pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord blessed be Your name

Our Father in Heaven
Sent the Son
Emmanuel
God with us
Sacrificed for us all
Ascended to Our Father
Sent the Spirit
Your Kingdom Come.

Your kingdom come
…is in the process of coming…
May your will be done down here
On Earth
Exactly as it is where you are
In Heaven

May Our Father’s will be done by the
Imperfect
Broken
Weak
Adopted
Healing
Children
Wanting nothing more than
To Be Loved
To Love

Give us this day
Thank you, Father, for another day.
Give us what we need
To bless others
To see passed ourselves
Because life is broken.

Forgive our debts.
The ways we have hurt others.
The pain.
The guilt.
May we forgive those who owe us
As You have forgiven us
With Grace.
By Death to self.

Lead us
Our small foot inside your larger print
One step at a time
May we follow the narrow path
Away from temptation
Marching toward home.

Stretch your arms wide before us
Spotless Lamb
May your sacrifice
Protect
Shield
Deliver
From the onslaught of the
Prowling Lion

He only wishes to destroy
You long for restoration
Promise
We will one day live again
In Heaven
With you
Our father.