Category: Discussion
Reconciling Chemical Dependence with Trusting God
The most difficult part of…
Well maybe I should start at the beginning, just lay it out there: I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. This is a largely misunderstood illness, and I admit I didn’t even understand it until I was recently diagnosed. Many people think of OCD’s celebrity spokesperson Howie Mandel. I’m not quite like him. I don’t mind getting dirty and I love hugging people. Well…maybe not at the same time. I have some behavioral issues like repeating certain actions and even some obsessive counting. What gets me into the most trouble are obsessive thoughts. Once I get stuck on a particular idea or train of thought, it’s extremely difficult to get off. Not only does this make my internal thought life very distracting and confusing, it often leads to a downward spinning track toward depression. Because of this I have become chemically dependent. The medication I take is an anti-depressant that, in my case, seems to stop the Obsessive Thought Train conductor from flipping the dangerous switch on the track.
Another important fact: I was raised in a conservative Christian community. Depression, or mental illness in general, is not discussed here. In my experience, it is largely misunderstood by the general Christian population. There an unspoken agreement if someone is depressed, he is not right with God, there must be some unconfessed sin, or he needs to pray for healing with no doubt God will heal him. In a sense, those with mental illness have something wrong with them spiritually. Overall, the topic is avoided. Those who attempt to confess their struggle are avoided, not out of lack of concern, but simply because this community has not been taught how to approach the subject. Our pain makes our brothers and sisters uncomfortable. Unfortunately, this causes more wounds and confusion about our painful state. So depression is difficult to reconcile with a conservative Christian upbringing.
I have all this stuff bouncing around in my head. I have the knowledge that medication relieves my emotional pain by stopping these thoughts from taking over. I am able to function better when I am on it. I also have internalized a worldview that tells me to rely on medication to function implies there must be something wrong with me spiritually. I must not have enough faith or God would heal me. All this leaves me wondering why I must rely on chemicals manufactured by other broken humans to relieve the pain. Why isn’t trusting in God alone enough, like everyone says it should be? Do I just not have enough faith? How can I measure my faith? If only faith were available by prescription at a pharmacy as well!
Unless…
God created human intelligence and put it into specific people. What if He then put those people together at the right time and place to develop anti-depressants and drugs to relieve OCD in people like me. What if using these drugs is a blessing, it’s not trusting in something less than my Savior for healing. What if this is an illness like any other. If I knew someone was in debilitating physical pain, I would strongly urge them to find medications to take it away. I am just doing everything in my power to be well. When I’m on meds, I think clear enough to get out of my head and see God around me and in others. Meds bring relief. Miraculous healing would be nice. But maybe then opportunities for learning and glorifying God would be lost. In that case, I will press on…
I wish this story were real…
Have you ever been reading a story and thought, “I wish this were true,” not because the story was so good, but because you had come to know and maybe even love the characters so much? Well guess what! It’s happened. It’s still happening. God wrote a story, but while he was writing it, it was also happening. Then he entered into the story but also completely embodied it (the Scriptures, The Bible, The Word) as the GodMan, Jesus, the Christ, Messiah. All the depth and meaning behind it all was wrapped in flesh and filled with Holy Spirit to show us how to do life with the Creator of the universe. The best part? This story is not yet finished. That same Creator longs for each one of his Masterpieces (you) to join in the story with him. How? Get to know this Jesus. Read about him in his story, The Bible. Maybe start with the Book of John. Get to know his people, The Church. Build a relationship thru prayer. Not sure how to do it? Get connected to a Bible-reading, Jesus-following group of people near you. If they love Jesus, they’ll love you.
What might be holding you back?
Ghosts, Purpose, and Insignificance
I keep hearing, “everyone has a purpose, maybe you’re in your current situation for a purpose.” Well I’ve looked at it from every angle, prayed, asked for guidance, begged for wisdom, pleaded for discernment, and about run out of tears. Let me tell you, I’ve got nothin’. I just can’t see it. I so desperately want to find an area where I can succeed. Success does not necessarily mean becoming a millionaire or having half the world know my name. Though a little extra money would be nice. I just want to make a difference within a community of like-minded individuals. I long with every fiber of my being to share my passions with a group of people and work toward a common goal. More than anything I want to shed the feeling that I am an imposition, an intruder, a burden, or a disappointment. I just want to be me and not think that I have to do or offer something to be acceptable. Why can’t Just Me be enough? Why can’t that be enough for me?
I’m afraid Just Me will fade in to the background. Just Me is not important and insignificant. No one will notice Just Me. If I don’t do something or offer something, eventually I’ll disappear from everyone’s memories. I’ll be stuck watching everyone achieve their purpose, be successful, make a difference, while I float through life aimless, invisible. Like I’ve died but I’m still living. I’m afraid of becoming a ghost.
Where is God in all this mess? Truth is I don’t know. I trust He’s there…somewhere. I pray. Sometimes I hear something. Most of the time I can’t tell if it’s my own crazy ideas or God’s fear-inducing nudges to step out on faith. Irony is I do nothing and fade into the background. On the rare occasion I do act on what is unmistakably God’s inaudible voice, great things happen and I am blessed beyond more than I can imagine. Then I take it one human step too far and mess things up, make the wrong decision, think that I can do it better than God, or just plain forget to ask God’s advice before moving. The truth is, I don’t want people to see me anyway. I truly want people to see Christ, or Christ in me. So I guess I’m just frustrated with myself and tired of the constant fight.
Being a follower of Christ is hard. Being an introvert is lonely. Being sensitive is painful. Being a deep-thinker I write a blog to get it all out. Maybe all this difficult, lonely, painful, deep thought will make a difference for someone. I can only hope.
With love,
Megan
Leap Heart First
I recently heard a message comparing Saul and David. One key point in this message was “God is looking for hearts that are all in.” Of course my first reaction was guilt. It’s just who I am, how I think. I want so badly to give my whole heart to God, serve him fully. But before you start thinking I’m holier than thou, realize the reason I sent myself on a guilt trip is because I started running passed all the things that were keeping me from 100% “all in” service to God. I realized all these stops on my little guilt trip were associated with fear. I willingly serve fear, when fear is so contrary to everything for which I claim to stand. God says step out on faith and do this thing for me. I am afraid my needs won’t be met as they currently are, so I drag my feet or just don’t take that step at all. Who am I serving if it is not God? If fear is the opposite of faith? Yeah, ouch.
But there is hope. “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.” (1 John 4:18) There is hope in remembering God loves me. Yes, I will screw up but God never wants me to stop there. Imagine a perfect father turning his back on his child the first time they make a mistake. No, he turns the mistake into a lesson, hoping the child realizes their wrong and makes the necessary changes. These changes are necessary to build character, to improve both the child and the community.
Though it’s never to late to turn, to repent, to give your heart, there is one warning. Be certain you are ready to give it all. I don’t say this to be legalistic or demanding, but because this is the only way to experience God. If you only give a part of your heart, man, you’re missing out! When fear and guilt creeps in remember the angel’s first words to the shepherds on Christmas night: “Do not be afraid. I bring you good news that will cause great joy for all the people.” Luke 2:10b This good news is the gift of God’s grace. Yes, we can expect God’s discipline when we mess up. But we do not have to fear God’s wrath. Jesus took that for us. It is beyond my comprehension, but He allows us to receive the rewards. So make that leap! Go heart first, ALL IN!
Adoption vs. Slavery: How language reveals beliefs
The way we use language is so important. In regular conversation it can reveal much about our attitudes and beliefs. In the Church, especially, we must be careful and intentional about how we use language. Those new to this strange faith and who may not understand “Christianese” may become confused by the mixed metaphors that people who have been in the church for many years may not even notice.
One of the issues that came to my attention a while back is how believers claim the identity of God’s adopted children but then ask to be used by God. It struck me how strange it would be for a child to approach their father and ask, “Hey Dad, could you use my services today?” My dad would probably give his odd daughter a strange look and a hug, laugh, then ask me to stay for dinner. But isn’t that exactly what we do? We seek and ask for our grand purpose in life, desperately searching for that specific mystical “thing” God put us on the earth to do. All the while we are blind or ignorant to the ways we can show God’s love to others with the gifts and talents God has already given us! We claim one belief, but through our language, proclaim that selflessness means abandoning our own identities, needs and desires for those of the divine Taskmaster. In effect, we make ourselves God’s slaves. Sound about right? But I ask: Is that who Jesus was?
It all started at Creation. God created Adam, the first human, but he kinda messed things up. So God sent someone else to show us how we should have been, and to fix the mess Adam started. It struck me that God chose to send Jesus in the role of a son, a child, a dearly loved and cared for Prince. Yes, this means he had responsibilities and specific jobs to fulfill. Praise God he fulfilled his purpose! But he did that as a son who was humble and obedient to his loving father. He was not a slave with no identity taking orders from a ruthless divine task master. We also are to be little Christs, to imitate Jesus. Our relationship to God should be Father to son & daughter, not Master to slave.
There are many harmful results of this attitude. In the local church body, if those whose professions, passions and interests don’t line up with the needs for which the church is asking, they may feel they have nothing to offer. This attitude also leaves out the love of God and how much he cares about every human being, turning God’s children into robots. The purpose of the Christian is not to be some cosmic puzzle solver, discovering illusive clues sprinkled throughout our journey through life. Our purpose is not hidden somewhere in the recesses of our lives while God sits in heaven barking out orders for us to follow. No, God the Father gave us a model to follow. It needs to become deeply rooted into our identity enough to permeate our language.
Sometimes it helps to bring it down to an earthly analogy. When my dad needs help with something, I don’t go knock on their door and say, “Father, I am here. Use me how you will.” He would laugh in my face! No, I walk in the house, without knocking, and announce that I’m there. Then I ask, “How can I help? What do you need me to do?” If it is a project that we do together, our relationship is strengthened because we have accomplished something and have spent quality time together. If it is a task I do alone, I am satisfied that I have helped relieve a burden for him, or allow him to focus his attention elsewhere in the meantime. It’s not a perfect analogy, but our relationship with God, then, also deepens the more willing we are to work with Him as obedient, loving children. Many times, the result of this type of relationship is also deeper relationships with both believers and with people who may then see Jesus through that relationship.
This is my prayer for all who read this. Think about it. Let it change how you relate to God the Father, Jesus the Son, and the mysterious Holy Spirit.
With much love,
Megan
Philippians 4:4-8
Spinning Plates
I am sucked dry in a 40 hour desert then pouring anything that is left into building a business out of my passions with no monetary return. Seeking purpose I scrape the rest of the hours from my weeks and offer them up to my spiritual family with hopes and prayers of rewards in the form of souls bent toward Heaven. All the while the mess and chaos in the brick and mortar of my own house remains neglected and the One I claim to follow sits…waiting…under all my clutter and mess. Waiting for me to stop running. He longs for me to be still and listen to his teachings. This I know, not that He would force me to do it, because that’s not what He’s about. But I fear if I stop, that all these plates I’m spinning will fall in a jagged, splintered mess at the foot of my Savior. But not just the plates. Me too. That’s what he wants I guess.
So I sing this song from the deep, dark, confused, tired, pain-filled, corners of my soul.
And He understands because He was there once too, in The Garden.
Be Blessed,
Megan
Women & The Good Samaritan Question
Driving home today I saw a shabby older man walking along the road. He had a walking stick, and if memory serves me well, a bag or two. To give a little more context this was a major high way and his location was miles from the nearest town. As a youngish female disciple of Christ, in a vehicle…alone…I am faced with a dilemma. Self-preservation instincts tell me to pass by on the other side. Immediately echos from every sermon on the Parable of the Good Samaritan are bouncing around in my head, a curse of growing up in the church I suppose, youth group kid guilt, if you will. The rest of the way home I was wrestling with the question of to stop or not to stop. Hold on, cause here was my basic thought process…
Man that guy looked rough. I wonder if he’s dangerous. But he’s an old man. My dad’s getting up there, I wouldn’t wrestle my dad. I bet Dad could still win in a wrestling match with me. I just passed by on the other side, like the guys in the Good Samaritan story. But hold on, the Samaritan man was beat up and dying. This guy is just walking along the road. Maybe he wants to walk. Besides, I might stop if I had my 9mm with me. That way, if he tried anything, I could at least defend myself. But I do have a weapon with me, God’s Spirit is always with me. How much more powerful is the Spirit than a gun? Would He protect me? My husband would probably shoot me himself if I let some some strange older guy get in the car with me.
That was the basic discussion I had with myself on the way home. I just wonder what you think Christians should do when faced with this issue. I don’t encounter it much. In this situation, the guy wasn’t even asking to be picked up, he was just walking along. But what if he was?
Women: Should we trust God enough to abandon common sense and risk our own safety to help someone out?
Men: What would you expect your mother, daughter, wife, friend to do in this situation?
How did you get in my dream?
It usually starts with the desire for inspiration. A band I follow posts a picture from a show or a photo shoot. I look at the photo. If it’s one that I like, I research the photographer a bit. Who do they work for? Who are they? What does some of their other work look like? During this entire research escapade, the dominating thought in the back of my mind is not, I am ashamed to say, only to appreciate the quality of someone else’s art. Oh no, I am constantly evaluating their talent in comparison to my own because they are living my dream. Sometimes, after I have looked at their photography of other bands, I think, “I could do that,” or even worse, “I could have done better than that.” Proud much? Well…yeah. However, which is most often the case, I decide the work is far superior than mine, I feel defeated, jealous, and baffled as to how that person got that position. Is it who they know? Did they take classes? Do they have some personality trait that God left out when he formed me? Then why, oh God, why do I want this so badly that my soul writhes in agony?
Ok, maybe that was a little overdramatic. But, that’s what self-reflection can do to you, can it not? This morning in the shower, I was thinking about God’s will verses my will. It occurred to me that there is a lot of pride involved with placing my will, my wants, my dreams equal with God’s plan for the entire universe. Even that sentence sounds ridiculous. Perhaps more accurately…It was revealed to me that contrary to all the advice self-help quacks will squawk at you, it doesn’t matter how much you set your mind to achieving your dream. At the end of all things, you will just run yourself ragged trying to stubbornly get to where God does not want you to go. It’s like constantly running yourself into a plexiglass wall. You can keep doing it, but you’re going to get beat up in the process.
I am reminded of the story in Numbers 22. Balaam is riding his donkey when all of a sudden she won’t go. God put an angel in the path that would have killed Balaam had his donkey kept walking. The donkey could see the angel, but Balaam couldn’t so he beat the poor animal. Finally God granted the donkey the ability to speak so she could explain the situation to a misguided prophet. Ouch! Balaam realized his mistake and repented. It may not happen quite so miraculously, but God puts obstacles in our way, ones that we don’t always recognize, to stop us from attaining a dream or a goal. I have been struggling with this for a long time. Why would God give me a dream if he didn’t want me to chase after it?
The answer is simple. Well, it’s simple to write, not so simple to hear, even more difficult to correct. God will put obstacles in the way of your dreams if they become your god. I think we can all agree that dreams are good things that come from God. However, they can easily become idols. A few weeks ago I heard this in a sermon, “Idols are good things that become god things and become bad things to us.” May be why God would keep you from your dream. I fell in love with my dream and I use God like a genie. I make wishes and try to fool God and myself. Here’s the genie prayer, “Ok God, I’m giving you this thing I’m in love with. I really want it. But I want you to have it. I want to trust you with it. Here you go.” Sounds good right? Except in the back of my mind and the depths of my heart I was like a kid with my fingers crossed behind my back thinking, “I hope you give that back. I don’t really want you to have it. I think you’re going to break it. I’m really not sure I can trust you.” First, how many theological issues can you find? What does that reveal about the lies I tell myself? Let’s all be honest, God is omnipotent. Omnipotent means all knowing. Who do I think I am, tricking God? Seriously? If I let go of my dreams, it can’t be a trick. It has to be true, honest surrender.
Sounds good. How do you do that? A lot of people would say, “Love God more than your dreams.” But that’s more like a nice quip. You can’t make yourself love someone. Go ahead. Try. It’s empty and you end up going through the motions, pretending. Surrender is about a true, honest relationship. To get there, you have to have the right priorities. From that same sermon, “Give weight to God and all other things will float up.” The relentless pursuit of dreams without God will leave us bitter, tired, beaten down, and broken. By giving God the weight he deserves the unimportant distractions will float away. Then God’s Spirit can be a guide in what to do with your idols/dreams (you fill in the blank). Otherwise you’re running around, trying to balance everything, or beating yourself up on an invisible plexiglass wall. If that Idol floats away, you are still left with the One Thing that has weight, gives true joy, and has everlasting meaning. Find joy and astonishment that the Creator of a universe, larger than any man-made vehicle can travel, is willing to include any one of us, a speck in that universe. Joy springs from every fiber of my being that I am included in the story at all! When I tend to think I can write it better, or get confused about my part, I know I’m not as close to God as I need to be.
What is a dream God has put in you? Has it become an idol?
Kony 2012
Too Important not to share…
It’s an embarrassing fact that the majority of Americans know who Justin Bieber is, but have no clue of the atrocities these children in Uganda face every day. This campaign is amazing! I think it has real potential. I am moved and motivated. Better yet, I want to join with some friends who are willing to get these kits and take a trip to Fort Wayne on April 20, or even some smaller towns closer to home, to get the word out about Kony. The world should know. These kids are not invisible. No one is.
Keeping those suffering in Uganda in my prayers,
Megan
Multiple Personalities, the Holy Spirit, & Bad Grammar
“Living Lies” by We As Human
I wear the face of an only son
But inside I’m coming undone
Beneath the skin I’m not what you see
There’s someone else living in me
And I know
That one day I’ll be exposed
The secrets hidden in my soul
Buried alive
Beneath these lies
Of who I am
I’m a broken man
And I cant break free its killing me
All these lies I can’t erase
Take this pain apart of me
I despise living lies
Living lies
I feel the weight of mistakes I’ve made
I built a world without any grace
I’m like a ship that’s tossed in the sea
Drifting, drowning, waiting to sink
And I know
That one day I’ll be exposed
The secrets hidden in my soul
Buried alive
Beneath these lies
Of who I am
I’m a broken man
And I can’t break free its killing me
All these lies I can’t erase
Take this pain apart of me
I despise living lies
Living lies
Don’t wanna live like this
I don’t wanna die like this
I shed my innocence
I shed my innocence!
lies
Of who I am
I’m a broken man
And I can’t break free it’s killing me
All these lies I can’t erase
Take this pain apart of me
I despise living lies
Living lies
Of who I am
I’m a broken man
And I can’t break free it’s killing me
All these lies I can’t erase
Take this pain apart of me
I despise living lies
Living lies
Don’t wanna live like this
I don’t wanna die like this
I shed my innocence
I shed my innocence!
There’s someone else living in me.
Quoting the Bible and widely accepted doctrine, it is often said that after accepting Christ the old person dies and a new person is reborn in the image of God. That sounds nice. It also sounds too easy. It does not sound at all like my experience. The real me, the one who wants to sleep until noon, doesn’t want to have a day job, and is a master at procrastination, this is the person who was supposed to be put to death and made new? The problem is, she is still very good at guilt-trips, running herself down, and writing off gifts and talents as happy, one-time accidents. Sitting just to right of Me is the person of the Holy Spirit, the manifestation of the full power of the God of our entire universe. Yeah, He lives in me too. They don’t get along too well. To be honest, most of the time they are pretty much at war. Well, it’s more like a teen with any authority figure. You see, Me is usually on the Throne playing queen with a fuzzy plastic tiara and toy wand. She’s very spoiled, thus rather bossy and extremely selfish. All the while HS waits patiently for Me to relinquish the Throne. In Me’s better moments, the two work together, like when she’s taking a nap! HS wants nothing more than to clean up the place and guide the kingdom in the direction in which it has the potential to succeed. However, success may be defined quite differently by the two personalities. Thus the struggle continues. Sadly the struggle lies entirely with Me. When she asks HS to vacate the Throne, he does so without a fight, though not willingly. It’s always Me’s choice.
My prayer is the times Me surrenders the Throne to HS become more frequent.
I don’t want to get into a theological debate about WHEN the Holy Spirit moves in. I know He does. It’s just that it’s often presented as such an easy process. I guess I don’t entirely agree that the old person is dead. The end. You’re a new person now. Congratulations, you’re just like Jesus. Live long and prosper. Giving this impression can be the source of frustration for people with new faith. No, the old person is continually put to death. The Christ follower is being made new. Perhaps this is also why so many Christians seem to have multiple personalities. They really are trying but the discrepancy between Me and HS is so great. We have this one hope. It’s a process that will be complete when we are freed from these broken bodies. Then we will look on the face of our Creator, the One who is continually recreating we who are doing our best to be like Him. Amen.
