Reconciling Chemical Dependence with Trusting God

The most difficult part of…

Well maybe I should start at the beginning, just lay it out there: I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. This is a largely misunderstood illness, and I admit I didn’t even understand it until I was recently diagnosed. Many people think of OCD’s celebrity spokesperson Howie Mandel. I’m not quite like him. I don’t mind getting dirty and I love hugging people. Well…maybe not at the same time. I have some behavioral issues like repeating certain actions and even some obsessive counting. What gets me into the most trouble are obsessive thoughts. Once I get stuck on a particular idea or train of thought, it’s extremely difficult to get off. Not only does this make my internal thought life very distracting and confusing, it often leads to a downward spinning track toward depression. Because of this I have become chemically dependent. The medication I take is an anti-depressant that, in my case, seems to stop the Obsessive Thought Train conductor from flipping the dangerous switch on the track.

Another important fact: I was raised in a conservative Christian community. Depression, or mental illness in general, is not discussed here. In my experience, it is largely misunderstood by the general Christian population. There an unspoken agreement if someone is depressed, he is not right with God, there must be some unconfessed sin, or he needs to pray for healing with no doubt God will heal him. In a sense, those with mental illness have something wrong with them spiritually. Overall, the topic is avoided. Those who attempt to confess their struggle are avoided, not out of lack of concern, but simply because this community has not been taught how to approach the subject. Our pain makes our brothers and sisters uncomfortable. Unfortunately, this causes more wounds and confusion about our painful state. So depression is difficult to reconcile with a conservative Christian upbringing.

I have all this stuff bouncing around in my head. I have the knowledge that medication relieves my emotional pain by stopping these thoughts from taking over. I am able to function better when I am on it. I also have internalized a worldview that tells me to rely on medication to function implies there must be something wrong with me spiritually. I must not have enough faith or God would heal me. All this leaves me wondering why I must rely on chemicals manufactured by other broken humans to relieve the pain. Why isn’t trusting in God alone enough, like everyone says it should be? Do I just not have enough faith? How can I measure my faith? If only faith were available by prescription at a pharmacy as well!

Unless…

God created human intelligence and put it into specific people. What if He then put those people together at the right time and place to develop anti-depressants and drugs to relieve OCD in people like me. What if using these drugs is a blessing, it’s not trusting in something less than my Savior for healing. What if this is an illness like any other. If I knew someone was in debilitating physical pain, I would strongly urge them to find medications to take it away. I am just doing everything in my power to be well. When I’m on meds, I think clear enough to get out of my head and see God around me and in others. Meds bring relief. Miraculous healing would be nice. But maybe then opportunities for learning and glorifying God would be lost. In that case, I will press on…

I wish this story were real…

Have you ever been reading a story and thought, “I wish this were true,” not because the story was so good, but because you had come to know and maybe even love the characters so much? Well guess what! It’s happened. It’s still happening. God wrote a story, but while he was writing it, it was also happening. Then he entered into the story but also completely embodied it (the Scriptures, The Bible, The Word) as the GodMan, Jesus, the Christ, Messiah. All the depth and meaning behind it all was wrapped in flesh and filled with Holy Spirit to show us how to do life with the Creator of the universe. The best part? This story is not yet finished. That same Creator longs for each one of his Masterpieces (you) to join in the story with him. How? Get to know this Jesus. Read about him in his story, The Bible. Maybe start with the Book of John. Get to know his people, The Church. Build a relationship thru prayer. Not sure how to do it? Get connected to a Bible-reading, Jesus-following group of people near you. If they love Jesus, they’ll love you.

What might be holding you back?

It Ends Today.

It ends today. This is the last day you can hurt me. Just like all the days before, you were subtle in your comments. With carefully chosen words and actions, hoping I wouldn’t notice I am treated differently. I notice the subtle, a careful curator of the details. I see how you fawn and dote over the others. Cheerful greetings and lavish compliments are showered over the others, everyone but me. Today is the last day you make me question what is wrong with me. All my insecurities brought out by your presence. When I tried to do something nice for those you treated like children, I was harshly scolded. “Don’t let it bother you,” was the advice from others. Should I have to earn a thicker skin because of you? My tender hearted empathy is one of my dearest assets. It allows me to feel what others feel, to sense the emotional state of those with whom I am familiar. Today is the last day you turn my strengths into weaknesses. Though I feel I should hate you, I cannot. Though you have sent me to quietly weep in private, I have also wept over your sorrows. I have prayed for you; for the times you have been in pain and for your physical and spiritual health. No, I cannot hate you. I have spent too much time around you to hate you. Though you have hurt me enough that I will not let you close, I love you. Today was the last day you will hurt me. Today was my last chance to show you I love you. I am sorry I missed it. Farewell.

Wishes & Whispers

I don’t expect every new meeting to become a confidant.
But I wish my constant companion wasn’t loneliness.

I don’t expect a cure from this constant pain.
But I wish for momentary glimpses of relief.

I don’t expect you to be with me all the time.
But I wish you didn’t feel so distant.

I don’t expect you to know all the answers.
But I wish you would be still and listen when I speak.

I don’t expect you to understand.
But I wish I had no doubt you cared.

Through the loneliness, the pain, the isolation,
A calm voice whispers to the depths of my soul.

I know what loneliness is.
I AM your closest confidant.

I know every kind of pain.
I AM your relief.

I know sometimes I may seem distant.
I AM with you always.

I know questions seem to fall unheard.
I AM the answer when you are still to listen.

I know what it is to be misunderstood.
I AM wisdom and love.

Ghosts, Purpose, and Insignificance

I keep hearing, “everyone has a purpose, maybe you’re in your current situation for a purpose.” Well I’ve looked at it from every angle, prayed, asked for guidance, begged for wisdom, pleaded for discernment, and about run out of tears. Let me tell you, I’ve got nothin’. I just can’t see it. I so desperately want to find an area where I can succeed. Success does not necessarily mean becoming a millionaire or having half the world know my name. Though a little extra money would be nice. I just want to make a difference within a community of like-minded individuals. I long with every fiber of my being to share my passions with a group of people and work toward a common goal. More than anything I want to shed the feeling that I am an imposition, an intruder, a burden, or a disappointment. I just want to be me and not think that I have to do or offer something to be acceptable. Why can’t Just Me be enough? Why can’t that be enough for me?

I’m afraid Just Me will fade in to the background. Just Me is not important and insignificant. No one will notice Just Me. If I don’t do something or offer something, eventually I’ll disappear from everyone’s memories. I’ll be stuck watching everyone achieve their purpose, be successful, make a difference, while I float through life aimless, invisible. Like I’ve died but I’m still living. I’m afraid of becoming a ghost.

Where is God in all this mess? Truth is I don’t know. I trust He’s there…somewhere. I pray. Sometimes I hear something. Most of the time I can’t tell if it’s my own crazy ideas or God’s fear-inducing nudges to step out on faith. Irony is I do nothing and fade into the background. On the rare occasion I do act on what is unmistakably God’s inaudible voice, great things happen and I am blessed beyond more than I can imagine. Then I take it one human step too far and mess things up, make the wrong decision, think that I can do it better than God, or just plain forget to ask God’s advice before moving. The truth is, I don’t want people to see me anyway. I truly want people to see Christ, or Christ in me. So I guess I’m just frustrated with myself and tired of the constant fight.

Being a follower of Christ is hard. Being an introvert is lonely. Being sensitive is painful. Being a deep-thinker I write a blog to get it all out. Maybe all this difficult, lonely, painful, deep thought will make a difference for someone. I can only hope.

With love,

Megan

Leap Heart First

I recently heard a message comparing Saul and David. One key point in this message was “God is looking for hearts that are all in.” Of course my first reaction was guilt. It’s just who I am, how I think. I want so badly to give my whole heart to God, serve him fully. But before you start thinking I’m holier than thou, realize the reason I sent myself on a guilt trip is because I started running passed all the things that were keeping me from 100% “all in” service to God. I realized all these stops on my little guilt trip were associated with fear. I willingly serve fear, when fear is so contrary to everything for which I claim to stand. God says step out on faith and do this thing for me. I am afraid my needs won’t be met as they currently are, so I drag my feet or just don’t take that step at all. Who am I serving if it is not God? If fear is the opposite of faith? Yeah, ouch.

But there is hope. “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.” (1 John 4:18) There is hope in remembering God loves me. Yes, I will screw up but God never wants me to stop there. Imagine a perfect father turning his back on his child the first time they make a mistake. No, he turns the mistake into a lesson, hoping the child realizes their wrong and makes the necessary changes. These changes are necessary to build character, to improve both the child and the community.

Though it’s never to late to turn, to repent, to give your heart, there is one warning. Be certain you are ready to give it all. I don’t say this to be legalistic or demanding, but because this is the only way to experience God. If you only give a part of your heart, man, you’re missing out! When fear and guilt creeps in remember the angel’s first words to the shepherds on Christmas night: “Do not be afraid. I bring you good news that will cause great joy for all the people.” Luke 2:10b This good news is the gift of God’s grace. Yes, we can expect God’s discipline when we mess up. But we do not have to fear God’s wrath. Jesus took that for us. It is beyond my comprehension, but He allows us to receive the rewards. So make that leap! Go heart first, ALL IN!

Adoption vs. Slavery: How language reveals beliefs

The way we use language is so important. In regular conversation it can reveal much about our attitudes and beliefs. In the Church, especially, we must be careful and intentional about how we use language. Those new to this strange faith and who may not understand “Christianese” may become confused by the mixed metaphors that people who have been in the church for many years may not even notice.

One of the issues that came to my attention a while back is how believers claim the identity of God’s adopted children but then ask to be used by God. It struck me how strange it would be for a child to approach their father and ask, “Hey Dad, could you use my services today?” My dad would probably give his odd daughter a strange look and a hug, laugh, then ask me to stay for dinner. But isn’t that exactly what we do? We seek and ask for our grand purpose in life, desperately searching for that specific mystical “thing” God put us on the earth to do. All the while we are blind or ignorant to the ways we can show God’s love to others with the gifts and talents God has already given us! We claim one belief, but through our language, proclaim that selflessness means abandoning our own identities, needs and desires for those of the divine Taskmaster. In effect, we make ourselves God’s slaves. Sound about right? But I ask: Is that who Jesus was?

It all started at Creation. God created Adam, the first human, but he kinda messed things up. So God sent someone else to show us how we should have been, and to fix the mess Adam started. It struck me that God chose to send Jesus in the role of a son, a child, a dearly loved and cared for Prince. Yes, this means he had responsibilities and specific jobs to fulfill. Praise God he fulfilled his purpose! But he did that as a son who was humble and obedient to his loving father. He was not a slave with no identity taking orders from a ruthless divine task master. We also are to be little Christs, to imitate Jesus. Our relationship to God should be Father to son & daughter, not Master to slave.

There are many harmful results of this attitude. In the local church body, if those whose professions, passions and interests don’t line up with the needs for which the church is asking, they may feel they have nothing to offer. This attitude also leaves out the love of God and how much he cares about every human being, turning God’s children into robots. The purpose of the Christian is not to be some cosmic puzzle solver, discovering illusive clues sprinkled throughout our journey through life. Our purpose is not hidden somewhere in the recesses of our lives while God sits in heaven barking out orders for us to follow. No, God the Father gave us a model to follow. It needs to become deeply rooted into our identity enough to permeate our language.

Sometimes it helps to bring it down to an earthly analogy. When my dad needs help with something, I don’t go knock on their door and say, “Father, I am here. Use me how you will.” He would laugh in my face! No, I walk in the house, without knocking, and announce that I’m there. Then I ask, “How can I help? What do you need me to do?” If it is a project that we do together, our relationship is strengthened because we have accomplished something and have spent quality time together. If it is a task I do alone, I am satisfied that I have helped relieve a burden for him, or allow him to focus his attention elsewhere in the meantime. It’s not a perfect analogy, but our relationship with God, then, also deepens the more willing we are to work with Him as obedient, loving children. Many times, the result of this type of relationship is also deeper relationships with both believers and with people who may then see Jesus through that relationship.

This is my prayer for all who read this. Think about it. Let it change how you relate to God the Father, Jesus the Son, and the mysterious Holy Spirit.

With much love,

Megan
Philippians 4:4-8